I just finished my JAE yesterday and I thought that this entire 'O' Level drama was over. But I just realised that this is only the begginning of what's going to be a very long 'Drama' series. You know, getting this score is kinda like a double-sided blade. When my family first got news of it, they were overjoyed. It was in contrast of how I've been doing in school and how I did for PSLE. But when you see and realise the other side of the story, it pains you to see people that you know and care about. Hurting, and the state they're in isn't one that is very comforting. When I was at the bottom, I always dreamt to be right at the top. But now that I'm here, I realise that I don't want it so much. I'd rather share the pain of those I care about. And for those who eventually get over it isn't so bad but it's those who don't and get permanently scared inside. I don't know why, but there's always this need to know inside of me. And more often than not, I hurt many in the process and for what? Just to feel satisfaction because you won the fella by a point or 10? The pain I cause those, I don't know if I can forgive myself. I sometimes ask God in the middle of the night why did he make me rise so high only to hurt those around me. The answer come as to teach me to control my ego. I accept it and go to bed but the next day I become the same insensitive jerk I was the previous day.
Sometimes, I'm so pissed with myself for being so self centred and ignoring about how others feel. And yet, I still hurt those around me. Maybe it's cause of my primary school experiece of being put down. Maybe it's cause of my secondary school friends who just laughs everything off. But whatever ther case, I should put it on myself to change.
They say it's a cruel world and I can see why. For people to rise up, there has to be someone to take the bottom. And sometimes, those who are at the bottom deserve the top spot more than those up there. It's cruel, unfair, and we've gotta live with it. I admire those who actually make it up without hurting anyone. If it's even possible.
I'm quite suprised that people aren't pissed off at me the way I am at myself. Some people call it their conscience and others call it Gos' voice. I'd like to think of it as a little of both. But the bottom line is that there's always good in people, but human nature often takes over and they feel the need to fill their ego. I recently watched a show about the bushmen, and how simple a life they live. With no such thing as materialism, autority or pride. They live such a simple life that
there's is no way they could hurt anyone emotionally. And one wonders why the world isn't like that.
Candice remindeed me of something I had totally forgotten this month, do not judge. We're in no position to judge anyone, be it in speech or even just in thought. And I've been doing it over and over again unknowingly. Not concious of the pain I might bring to others. We're a community, not just a bunch of friends. We're closer than just knowing each other. There's a saying my mother always said to me. Treat others how you would like others to treat you. And I so have not been doing that. There's something sorely lacking in my character, and I have to fix it fast. Before I lose those close to me entirely.
Sometimes, I'm so pissed with myself for being so self centred and ignoring about how others feel. And yet, I still hurt those around me. Maybe it's cause of my primary school experiece of being put down. Maybe it's cause of my secondary school friends who just laughs everything off. But whatever ther case, I should put it on myself to change.
They say it's a cruel world and I can see why. For people to rise up, there has to be someone to take the bottom. And sometimes, those who are at the bottom deserve the top spot more than those up there. It's cruel, unfair, and we've gotta live with it. I admire those who actually make it up without hurting anyone. If it's even possible.
I'm quite suprised that people aren't pissed off at me the way I am at myself. Some people call it their conscience and others call it Gos' voice. I'd like to think of it as a little of both. But the bottom line is that there's always good in people, but human nature often takes over and they feel the need to fill their ego. I recently watched a show about the bushmen, and how simple a life they live. With no such thing as materialism, autority or pride. They live such a simple life that
there's is no way they could hurt anyone emotionally. And one wonders why the world isn't like that.
Candice remindeed me of something I had totally forgotten this month, do not judge. We're in no position to judge anyone, be it in speech or even just in thought. And I've been doing it over and over again unknowingly. Not concious of the pain I might bring to others. We're a community, not just a bunch of friends. We're closer than just knowing each other. There's a saying my mother always said to me. Treat others how you would like others to treat you. And I so have not been doing that. There's something sorely lacking in my character, and I have to fix it fast. Before I lose those close to me entirely.
If you are reading this, I do not expect you to put yourself in my shoes. But merely to ask you to understand the position I'm in...
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